As much as everyone likes to pussyfoot around this fact; a majority of you choose to go out because you are looking for a mate. Whether it be for the night or your lifetime, the options of partners seem more limited than ever. I know that you’ve deleted Tinder
three times yet keep returning to this depressing matchmaking service after realizing the tremendously slim pickings out on the town. When making plans on the weekend, you typically have two standard options: Go to a “trendy” nightclub or test the waters at the local “dive bar.” The problem with these two terrible choices is that they are just that: abysmally devoid of any humans resembling someone with whom you would like to wake up.
The trendy club option seems like a good choice on paper; the most attractive and successful people are likely to frequent the most expensive and exclusive establishments. However, the reality of a night at the club is infinitely different than the utopic vision just described. You WILL start pre-gaming around 9 and be too drunk to hold a decent conversation by the time your Uber arrives. You WILL wait in line for at least twenty minutes while your buzz begins to fade and the drowsy hangover feeling begins to creep up your sweaty formal wear into your horny and/or lonely cerebrum (OR one of the rich idiots in your squad will throw down their credit card for the $1200 table minimum and Venmo request $250 from you the next day for the 3 cranberry vodkas you left unfinished on the sticky corner of some elevated surface.) Finally, you WILL spend the next three hours vapidly staring at potential mates across the sometimes dark, sometimes strobe lit environment while you waste your precious weekend minutes yelling in the ear of an off balanced boyfriended girl about how much you like/hate your new job.
There must be another way! Ahh yes, we have our second option of the dive bar. It is now time to ready the liver and stomach lining for the explosion of $3 house tequila and Fireball shots that are about to bombard your gullet. I once read that a shot of Fireball has the same amount of saturated fat as a Big Mac. I can’t speak to the validity of that claim but the fact that it is even somewhat believable should be a warning sign in and of itself. After the 13th straight group singalong is blared through the speakers with the broken subwoofer, you WILL hazily glare across the bar and rest your eyes on the cute young thing in the pastel Polo Button Down/halter top. You WILL get their number. You WILL get late night Taco Bell. You WILL regurgitate said Taco Bell. You WILL NEVER talk to this person again. Why not? Because it is wholly impractical to believe that just because you happened to be drunk and horny in the same place makes you a match made in heaven.
Before rampant binge drinking and even more rampant binge dating apps, how did people find that special someone? Before everyone’s head was buried in their phones more concerned about missing out on their friend’s good times than having their own, I believe that humans made connections with other humans by finding shared interests. Whether it be at the gym or a book club, people used to find friends and love interests by enjoying what made them unique together. If you are reading this article, then one thing that makes you unique is your passionate and maybe fanatical love of rhythm and harmonies. You like to shake your groove thang and so do I.
The point that I am trying to make is that instead of wasting your time, money, and lifespan at the usual spots of excessive drinking, I recommend that you go to every freaking concert within a 20 mile span of your location. Even if it is not within your pre designated list of acceptable genres, I am telling you to get out there and dance. The best, happiest, most outgoing, most fun people that you will ever meet in your life will be at a random wine bar listening to a Ska infused, electro, dubstep, experimental jam band. Expand your mind, your musical interests, and your love options as you move your hips and find a mutual head nod of approval in your fellow music lover bouncing along right next to you.